i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
