Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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