It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
tequila makes me forget i have legs
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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