Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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