On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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