end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
