I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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