my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
