This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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