you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
