if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
