i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
