Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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