Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
