best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
