For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I don't deserve a penis
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
They are going to name an STD after you.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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