yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
we're making bets on your personal life
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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