hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
