so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
