I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
