I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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