Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
