life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
What drink are we having for lunch?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
