Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I can't put those talents on a resume
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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