jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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