There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
