im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
