the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
i think im in europe. pls send help
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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