He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
