I will die if light touches me.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
