if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
