I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
