I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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