It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
