so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
