last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I don't deserve a penis
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
