I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
