my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
These tits shall not be calmed
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
