I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
