I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
