just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
