I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
