im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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