just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
