Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
