I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
