Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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