just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Couch. On fire.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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