hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
