i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
COCAINE IS GR8
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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