chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
